And this is the frustration:  I still kind of believe that if I try hard enough and want it bad enough I should be able to make it happen.  I am a survivor of the 1980s’ ‘Against All Odds’ film genre, and the American Dream in general.  Deep down I’m disappointed that I’m not hardcore enough to sacrifice whatever amount of sleep it takes to write a novel or a blog while working, parenting, partnering, nursing, pumping, churchgoing, and doing occasional chores. Why can’t my heart follow my brain out of this lie?

I’m already always too close to the edge.  And if it can’t be done without taking speed, then it’s not going to happen, thank  you very much.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a friend or relative desperate enough to move in with us and exchange room and board for nanny services.  I know it’s delusional, but it’s a fantasy.  I’m tired of stealing time from myself.  ‘Cause you can’t really steal from yourself.

Argh, right?  Right.

I miss making.  I love developing systems for efficient and effective education of young children, but you can’t hold that in your hands.  You can’t point to it.

I’m an irresponsible busy artmama.  I should have a small notebook on my person at all times, and a pen, so I can jot notes or dash off sketches of my ideas whenever they come to me.  I should be keeping quick records of my ideas since I don’t have leisure creative time the way I used to (but never really realized.  Any childless artists out there who may be unencumbered by some weighty, time-consuming, life-consuming responsibility, get your ass from in front of the TV or computer, and go make something).  But I’m not doing that.  When I remember my notebook, I’ve forgotten my pen.  When I get a moment to write, I’d rather sleep.  When I’m determined to write something out, I realize I haven’t played with my daughter yet today.

Understand, I am IN NO WAY saying that becoming a parent = death of creative life.  To accept that is to succumb to a line of reasoning that is rooted in bullshit.  What I’m saying is that your creative life is a privilege.  Not a given.  Creative expression is like freedom – if you want it, you have to fight for it.   The extent to which you fight for it is the extent to which it belongs to you.

So I guess I’m declaring that I’ve been a bit lazy.  I’ve taken my creativity for granted.  sure, I’ve been busy and tired and stressed and preoccupied.  But that’s no reason to take your gifts for granted.  I have to stop making excuse.  It’s so easy to make excuses about why it’s hard to do what we want to do.

To my credit, I have been writing in my blogs.  So I don’t guess I should be too hard on myself – blogging is the easiest way for me to flex my creative brain outside of my internship, and sometimes the easiest way is the only way.    But my creative life has been getting the shorter end of the proverbial stick as of late – I need to make a point of paying more attention to it.

I actually think balance is ultimately impossible, but the effort toward it is totally essential.  No one can balance what any of us is expected to balance.  But trying will make us better people if we don’t kill ourselves in the process.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, baby wakes…

Atena

So, moving forward to the current time, not everyone expects to get married let alone have kids. And some have kids much later than others. And then there’s the presence of nontraditional families who would have been invisible previously. There are more choices available to men and women but they’re still out there, mixing it up and getting social. Therefore, like never before, there’s this new dynamic being forged between people of similar age but vastly different lifestyle.

This seems like the perfect opportunity to make some real headway in true mothers’, fathers’ and children’s rights. People with families used to sort of plane off into their own little suburban niches, largely becoming more politically and economically conservative and forming that “silent majority” everyone talked about in the sixties. But now mamas and papas continue to hang out with those who choose not to be parents, each exposing the other to new ways of seeing the world and keeping that vital, radical fire stoked. The non-parents remind the parents of the opportunities they should still be allowed to access with their children. The parents remind the non-parents that kids can be just as cool and should be allowed to grow up in a safe, fun environment full of opportunities. What a swell party this is!

andrea

Not malevolently, not on purpose, but still…

It was a pretty typical Friday evening party scene – colleagues getting together, a group of twenty-to-thirtysomethings having relaxed, fun, semi-intellectual conversation over a nice assortment of liquors and cheeses.

I was greeted enthusiastically, but after sorting out my baby business (I had to sit down an nurse Stella before doing anything else – it’d been a long trip to get there) I realized that I hadn’t really met any of the people sitting around the table.

I think where I first went wrong was nursing the baby away from the group. I just sat down in the closest chair and fed her. I didn’t think until after we’d started that it could be interpreted as me being shy or embarrased or somehow intentionally separating myself. It was just convenient. But it kind of set the tone. My friend – one of the hosts – was the only other person there with a baby (technically her husband also could be counted as having a baby, but for these purposes I’m not really counting him because she did the vast majority of the holding, entertaining and general attending of the child, so he wasn’t really with the baby). So we sat, chatting happily together on the floor as we managed our babes, until I pointed out that we looked as though we’d been exiled from the party, which we laughed about, of course. Then my friend called out the ridiculousness of us sitting over in the mama ghetto, and made room for us to sit with the larger group.

I felt that once we were at the table, we were still somehow outside. So I looked for an inroad to one of the nearby conversations, but after a couple of minutes of scanning and looking for eye-contact, I realized that there weren’t any. So, I turned to my friend and chatted with her. But I felt wierd about the dynamic. I attribute part of this to being the only people whose conversation was constantly interrupted by unpredictable baby behavior: when you are able to find a way into the conversation, something gets grabbed, or thrown to the floor, or screaming starts, or hair is pulled. Parents have to develop a kind of conversational staccato that can be awkward for the uninitiated to navigate, and I don’t hold that against them.

But why are people without kids afraid to engage those of us who do? What is it that garners us nervous glances but little-to-no talking. I suppose some find it odd that I would bring a child to an adult party at all. My general response to that is: I refuse to be socially isolated for the fact of having become a parent. I still need adult interactions, intellectual conversations, eye-contact and the exchange of energy and ideas. Part of this means making some non-conventional decisions about where babies can and cannot, should and should not go. I remember when my best friend had her first baby, and I found that suddenly, we didn’t have much to talk about. In retrospect, I think it was because I was unaware at the time of how much having a child changes your life. My compass for what to talk about was suddenly different from hers. It was lack of information about the way her life had changed that created distance between us.

I think that non-parents need to be helped to develop more of a vocabulary for dealing with parents, children and families. We need to de-mystify family life, debunk the myths about what it means to be a parent. We need to let people know that our lives and work as parents do not negate, but rather enhance our being (ideally, anyway). Once, at a different party, I actually had someone ask me what I do, and when I replied that I take care of my daughter, her inquiry immediately ended and switched over to my husband, where she proceeded to ask about the details of his work as an office assistant. I think that my husband will agree with me that my job is more interesting and satisfying, but when I told this woman what I do, it was like flipping a switch off. People need to understand that parenting is a development in a life that is ongoing – our intellects, our creativity, our humor remain intact.

These are the reasons parents seek each other out. As I struggled to maintain some level of acknowlegment and participation, I realized how easy it would be for me to decide to only go to parent parties, or to just focus on talking to my friend. In the moment, it seems easier to segregate. The interactions did improve as the evening went on – mainly because I was able to pass the baby off to other people. It seems as though when I wasn’t holding my child, somehow I was easier to talk to. This is why playgroups, play dates, time at the park, what have you, are so important. It’s not for the kids, it’s for us. And I say that’s fine, and what’s more, it’s necessary. Because when we benefit, our children benefit too. When we’re not frustrated and desperate for adult conversation, our children benefit. When we’re not depressed from isolation, our children benefit. When we’re creatively and intellectually engaged and fulfilled, our children benefit, because we’re happier and we don’t resent them for the time and attention they require (which is more than we ever realized, and it’s indefinite).

So, parents – don’t let yourselves be ignored. Get yourself out to the parties, take the baby, find a sitter, figure something out. And when you get there, pull up to the table. Jump into the conversation. Don’t play the social martyr to your children: “I can’t do anything because of [insert child's name here]…” It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to you. And if you’re not a parent, and have the opportunity to hang out with one, do us a favor: Don’t act like we’re invisible, or like our child is a kind of plague. Make conversation, ask questions, or at least smile and say hi. You might learn something you didn’t know about people with kids, and you just might meet some really cool people.

Atena

August 12, 2006

Dear hipMamas,

CODEPINK women Medea Benjamin, Gael Murphy and Diane Wilson are risking their lives to bring aid to Southern Lebanon and to expose the atrocities, please help protect them in their passage.

Contact the Israeli Embassy in Washington DC and the Israeli Consulate in New York today to let them know that there is international attention on the Humanitarian Aid Convoy composed of Lebanese and U.S. citizens as well as other Internationals that plans to bring much needed aid to the thousands of civilians that are dying in Southern Lebanon from thirst, hunger and disease brought about by the bombing.

Let them know that we expect safe passage for this convoy – they must know the whole world is watching!

In Solidarity,
Allison, Anedra, Dana, Erin, Farida, Gael, Jodie, Katie, Laura, Medea, Meredith, Nancy, Rae, Samantha and Tiffany

CALL TODAY!
Amir Maimon – Minister-Counselor and Head of Department
Eynat Shlein-Michael – Counselor for Middle Eastern Affairs
Reuven Azar – Counselor for Political Affairs
Israel Embassy Washington DC Political Department
Tel: (202) 364-5581/2
Fax: (202) 364-5490

New York Israel Consulate General
Tel: (212) 499-5000

In Solidarity,
Allison, Anedra, Dana, Erin, Farida, Gael, Jodie, Katie, Laura, Medea, Meredith, Nancy, Rae, Samantha and Tiffany

When I was pregnant, I got plugged into the community at HipMama.com, and was immediately hooked. So many moms with so much to share, just when I was on the brink of a major life transition – it was just what I needed.

That wasn’t my first experience participating in online communities – I’ve been working with yahoo groups for a few years now. But there was something about the Hip Mama users was different – maybe because it was a group of people who were able to navigate the internet and website without assistance, or maybe this group were more demographically similar – I don’t know. But it was great.

Now, a little more than a year later, I don’t log on as much as I used to. Every now and again, I lurk around, and sometimes I jump in with a comment or a message. But my needs are constantly changing. Right now, I need more Real, Live Parent action – hanging out with parents, havin’ playdates, creating that space where we can hear the kids, and lend a hand, and share space with another adult. Which is funny, considering all the time I spend online blogging. I love finding online networks and communities, but there’s no denying the very real need to call up my mom friends and say ‘Hey, wanna come over?’ or ‘How about a walk?’ For one thing, it gets me out of the house. I was surprised at how easy it was to spend a week not even thinking about leaving the house when my daughter was younger. Now I think about it, and I find a way to make it happen, because it’s not healthy to stay shut up with a baby. Babies are great, but adults need to stretch out and walk a bit from time to time.

So now we’re looking for more parents to hang out with, which I’m psyched about. I’d like to see what other parents are in the neighborhood and what kind of connections we can make. I’m hoping to meet some more fathers that are cool to hang out with and get to know. I was reading Daddy Dialectic, where they were discussing the potential of the development of Daddy Wars, and the issue was raised that there stay-at-home dads tend to be more isolated in the wider parenting community. I see them occasionally at the park, but the park has such a wierd vibe going on when you’re meeting other parents – it’s like the first day of school, except we’ve all got a really great excuse not to talk each other in our kids. I try to be more outgoing and friendly, but I only have so much energy. Anyway, I’ll step up the friendliness when I’m feeling up to it.

I really hope we can create a functional parents’ action network – a group that kind find tangible, concrete ways to address issues that concern us as parents. Parents are such an untapped resource for action and change. We have to address this somehow if we actually want to see change in our lifetimes. And I think we can all at least agree that something needs to change. Less with the psycho-capitalism, more with the sustainable living.

Anyway, I’m getting tired. Babygirl is teething – she was quite a force to be reckoned with today, very demanding, very stealthy. I think I’ll just chill before I go to bed.

G’night, All!

Atena

So, it’s confessional time. I’m hoping to add this to our regular diablogging so hopefully Atena will be interested in doing this too. I have to confess that I harbored such evil thoughts about a toddler yesterday. We walked up to a nearby park and I was watching Henry playing. He’s at the age where I can now sit back a bit and watch him do various things without having to hover to ensure his safety. Anyway, there was a cherubic little fella sitting across from Henry and it looked like they were about to do some intense staring or scar comparison or what have you. Henry reaches down and picks up a handful of mulch. I thought perhaps he might show this new aquisition to his companion but instead he tossed the handful in the air at the other child. You would have thought someone had told this other kid that he can never see his favorite toy again. He had an utterly mortified look on his face. I kind of floundered and tried to capture Henry and impress upon him that this was not the best sort of playground behavior (he’s not even two — you can’t impress much upon him yet). The other little boy just sat there, still stunned. And sat. And sat. He probably sat there for about five minutes before he started trying to get his mother’s attention, still sitting in the same spot with bits of mulch around and stuck to him. He was a pitiful sight. Finally, after we’d moved on to the swings, his mom answered him and I noticed he was pointing in our direction. Here’s the confession part. The whole time I felt no remorse or sadness that my child had made another child sad. My thought was, “What a wimp! This kid will never make it on the playground if a little mulch SHATTERS HIS WHOLE WORLD.” My god, am I going to raise a bully? Am I that much of an evil, mean girl that I can think such things about a kid who’s probably only three years old? I better go read some Leo Buscalia or paint some happy little clouds.

andrea 

Andrea: I’m feeling kinda weird today. i tried lurking around hipmama, but most of posts just bored or annoyed me

Atena: Yeah? Like what?

Andrea: like sometimes i just don’t give a shit about hearing about other moms and their interactions with their kids

Atena: Understandable – I think most of us feel that way at some time or another.

Andrea: or what appears to me to be subtle passive aggressive attention seeking

Atena: Yeah – that can definitely be annoying.

Andrea: i guess hipmama’s signal to noise ratio is a bit lower than i want to alot valuable time to

i also found the CV of this girl i knew in college. she’s a PhD now and teaches and does all this stuff. she wrote she got this award that i won and i’m trying to remember if i won it the year she said she won it (thereby lying about winning it)

Atena: It’s gotten to be quite a big community now – there’s so many people, groups and subgroups… I definitely don’t hang out there as much as I used to. It’s not as satisfying, but I still find it to be a pretty valuable reaource.

Andrea: kinda got my dander up

Atena: Wow – yeah…

Andrea: yeah, i guess i’m not sure what kind of resource i’m looking for

Atena: Are you looking to interact, or just to read and have more of a one-way interaction?

Andrea: i guess to interact, but i’m starting to think that i’m a little tired of online interaction. i mean, it was my main mode of meeting others since 1992. it’s been a long freakin’ time

Atena: I guess so…
I’m newer to online interaction, so it’s still novel to me somewhat.

Andrea: yeah

Atena: Online forum discussions can be tiring – I’m more into one-on-one chat with people I actually know, or blog & response discussions, where everyone has time to think about what they wanna say.

Andrea: although i think i could be excited by online interaction if i was actively engaged in a community of upbeat but quirky people

Atena: Well, lord knows there’s enough of us out here…

Andrea: it feels like a lot of the people on forums either have a lot of anger or issues or drama that they need to vent somewhere but it ends up dragging everything down
it turns into a pity party of oneupmanship
or a lot of hand-holding and back patting

Atena: Absolutely. I guess I’ve taken that to be par for the course. The nice thing is you can always find another discussion.

Andrea: and while that’s really vital and useful for folks, i didn’t sign up for a group therapy session

Atena: True…

Andrea: yeah, i guess i’m not finding discussions that are interesting to me

Atena: But it’s nice to have a place to do that if you find that you’re the one who needs hand holding.
It can definitely get tedious though.
So it’s good that the internet is so vast, eh?

Andrea: yeah. i don’t want to stop that kind of compassion (although i might also be speaking of my own rejected attempts and getting someone to hold my hand)
and=at

Atena: Gotcha.
What I’ve been doing lately…
is finding blogs that I like, and then reading blogs linked to those blogs, and so on…

Andrea: *nod*

Atena: That way I can always find new content.

Andrea: oh, i checked in at the hipmama meetup group and chimed in with an RSVP

Atena: Cool! I’d totally forgotten about it.
What’d you say?

Andrea: oh that it sounded too pricy and what about a nice playgroup?
i couldn’t think of anything more biting to say

Atena: I wonder if they’ll respond to the cost issue…

Andrea: i fear it’s going to get buried

Atena: Well, I hope not, but it’s always a possibility.
Maybe we should organize our own Hip Parent Party, or something… Like the Young Breeders’ Society.

Andrea: i wonder if we should start a meetup and be really explicit about who we’re interested in meeting. and maybe do something a little punk-rock, like converge on a place traditionally lacking in mamaenergy (like Filter or some similar hipster joint)
heh

Atena: Oh, that’s a great idea. I’ve been wanting to do something like that for a while.

Andrea: OR! we could do a little activism

Atena: That IS activism!
But what did you have in mind?

Andrea: well, you know those flyers for the mama manifesto site?

Atena: Yeah.
Oh – hold on – Stella’s freakin out…

Andrea: i thought it’d be bitchin to print a bunch out and tack ‘em up around various places. we could have a walk with all the mamas who want to participate

Atena: Cool!

Andrea: and, if we build up enough people, we could crash mommy groups to get out of the ol’ comfort zone
the mamas meet the mommies

Atena: Hmm – interesting…
Which mommy groups did you have in mind?

Andrea: i don’t know any yet, but i’m sure they abound
Lincoln Park, Evanston, Gold Coast

Atena: What would we do?

Andrea: wouldn’t that be a hoot? get all punk rock looking and show up to a Lincoln Park playgroup?

Atena: That would be pretty funny.

Andrea: just show that an alternative world view exists
not necessarily get in their face but just talk about stuff and respond
and nurse

Atena: Of course.

Andrea: whip out the ol’ boobs

Atena: Always!

Andrea: i’m just slinging pie in the sky
the first order of business is to find cool moms, tho
i wonder if we could put up flyers in, like, tattoo parlors and record stores

Atena: They’re out there… we already know a few -
Natalie has been telling me about some moms she’d like me to meet.

Andrea: hell, we could see if we could form some kind of working/awareness group to see what kind of activism we can accomplish
natalie is so impressive. i was very intimidated, i must say. she’s definitely a force of nature

Atena: Yeah – she can be intimidating…
She’s a total sweetheart radical earth mama, though…

Andrea: that’s awesome
she has the kind of strong energy i aspire to have someday when i get my shit together

Atena: We should all get together and have a nurse-in.

Andrea: definitely.
hey, look at this: http://www.momsrising.org/neighborhood/start_a_group
discussion topics! action items!

Atena: Awesome!
You know…
I’d really like to find some rad dads and get together with them. I get so mamacentric sometimes…

Andrea: yeah! that’d be awesome!
again with the Young Breeders Society

Atena: and there’s really valuable dad energy out there.
Right!

Andrea: okay, let’s plan a gathering then
and we’ll invite all the very cool dads and moms we know
should we focus on moms and dads that are a bit more radical/receptive to activism?

Atena: Awesome – I’m nursing and typing one-handed – that’s why i’m so
slow

Andrea: do we want to go in that direction, or make that something separate?

Atena: Good question…

Andrea: i’d totally be interested in hosting the event, since we’ve got lots of sitting areas and a bit table and such
bit=big
(henry is going to sleep forEVER)

Atena: (Stella’s been wiggling like crazy and smacking my hands)

Andrea: (oof. that’s a pain)

Atena: But the event – cool… Yes! -
Maybe we could start out with just identifying and getting to know parents…

Andrea: that’d be good

Atena: and then as we get to know them
invite them to join us in more activism.

Andrea: we should make it a potluck
ja

Atena: Potluck is always a good idea.
Maybe not always, but often enough.

Andrea: yeah

Atena: Alright -
what’s our timeframe?

Andrea: hmm. i guess sooner is cool. might prompt mark to put more boxes in the basement.

Atena: Heh!
(Stella’s laughing too.)

Andrea: hee hee
awww.. henry turned over onto his belly. he looks so sweet.

Atena: Well, how about the end of this month?

Andrea: okay

Atena: Let me look at my calendar…

Andrea: i was thinking perhaps a sunday afternoon? would that be possible?
or would a saturday afternoon be better?

Atena: I’m not sure…
You’re the host -
what’s best for you?

Andrea: i was thinking it’s more likely Mark wouldn’t be shooting on a Sunday
i don’t know when shooting will start again

Atena: Good call.

Andrea: August 27?

Atena: Maybe we should plan tentatively for Sunday the 27th, and find out what the husbands are up to?

Andrea: sounds good to me

Atena: Rock on!
Okay…

Andrea: oh hey… what are you doing Wednesday evening, after 8 p.m.?

Atena: I think I should probably go, ’cause Stella’s got stress hiccups and is looking a bit forlorn…

Andrea: awww. poor little one.

Atena: Here – I’ll call you on the phone, okay?

Andrea: k

Atena: Alright, bye!