Mama Not Making…
I am living in my administrative brain right now. I don’t believe that we’re ever not making, really, ’cause if you’re engaged, you’re bound to create something. I think. But living in my adminbrain, I’m not writing poems. Not rendering images. Not making any ‘zines or knitting any armwarmers.
I miss making. I love developing systems for efficient and effective education of young children, but you can’t hold that in your hands. You can’t point to it.
I’m an irresponsible busy artmama. I should have a small notebook on my person at all times, and a pen, so I can jot notes or dash off sketches of my ideas whenever they come to me. I should be keeping quick records of my ideas since I don’t have leisure creative time the way I used to (but never really realized. Any childless artists out there who may be unencumbered by some weighty, time-consuming, life-consuming responsibility, get your ass from in front of the TV or computer, and go make something). But I’m not doing that. When I remember my notebook, I’ve forgotten my pen. When I get a moment to write, I’d rather sleep. When I’m determined to write something out, I realize I haven’t played with my daughter yet today.
Understand, I am IN NO WAY saying that becoming a parent = death of creative life. To accept that is to succumb to a line of reasoning that is rooted in bullshit. What I’m saying is that your creative life is a privilege. Not a given. Creative expression is like freedom – if you want it, you have to fight for it. The extent to which you fight for it is the extent to which it belongs to you.
So I guess I’m declaring that I’ve been a bit lazy. I’ve taken my creativity for granted. sure, I’ve been busy and tired and stressed and preoccupied. But that’s no reason to take your gifts for granted. I have to stop making excuse. It’s so easy to make excuses about why it’s hard to do what we want to do.
To my credit, I have been writing in my blogs. So I don’t guess I should be too hard on myself – blogging is the easiest way for me to flex my creative brain outside of my internship, and sometimes the easiest way is the only way. But my creative life has been getting the shorter end of the proverbial stick as of late – I need to make a point of paying more attention to it.
I actually think balance is ultimately impossible, but the effort toward it is totally essential. No one can balance what any of us is expected to balance. But trying will make us better people if we don’t kill ourselves in the process. Does that make sense?
Anyway, baby wakes…
Atena
